From the
JOKIN' AROUND DISK
by
LEEJAN ENTERPRISES
P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley.
South Australia. 5159.
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form
of misery.
*
Ninety nine percent of all people consider themselves to be above
average drivers.
*
If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper.
*
Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to twelve
people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
*
You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have,
for instance.
*
"When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."
*
A survey has shown that the most popular form of holiday is a three
year arts degree.
*
If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up.
*
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from
where you left them to where you can't find them.
*
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you
say, talk in your sleep.
*
There are three ways to get something done:
*
(1) Do it yourself.
(2) Hire someone to do it for you.
(3) Forbid your kids to do it.
*
Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
*
Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going
to catch you in next.
*
Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you
wish you weren't.
*
Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
*
If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well enough
to travel.
*
Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check three
friends. If they're OK, you're it.
*
At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits
his thumb with a hammer.
*
Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never
tried taking candy from a baby.
*
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
*
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
*
Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
*
Everyone talks about apathy, but no one does anything about it.
*
Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a hammmer
or get a splinter in it.
*
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
*
We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one
technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
*
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
*
Creditors have much better memories than debtors.
*
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
*
Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing
golf with his boss.
*
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.
It's already tomorrow in Australia.
*
Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
*
The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population
is growing.
*
Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
*
Many are called, few are chosen. Fewer still get to do the choosing.
*
Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a simple
yes or no answer.
*
The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
*
It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too good
either if you speak when your head is empty.
*
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
*
There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before
Saturday.
*
Law of Window Cleaning: It's on the other side.
*
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity
of your action.
Any given program costs more and takes longer each time it is run.
*
If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
*
Any given program will expand to fill all the available memory.
*
Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer
who must maintain it.
*
Computing power increases as the square of the cost.
*
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
*
Any system that depends upon human reliability is unreliable.
*
Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable
errors, which by definition are limited.
*
Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost
of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done.
*
Not until a program has been in production for six months will will the most
harmful error be discovered.
*
Job control cards that positively cannot be arranged in improper order
will be.
*
Interchangeable tapes won't.
*
If the input editor has been designed to reject all bad input, an ingenious
idiot will discover a method to get bad data past it.
*
If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent systems will
malfunction.
*
Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature,
volume, humidity and other variables, the computer will do as it damn well
pleases.
*
Every interesting program has at least one variable, one branch, and one
loop... and at least one bug!
*
There is always one item on the screen menu that is mislabeled and should
read "ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE".
*
A bad sector disk error occurs only after you've done several hours of work
without performing a backup.
*
No matter how large and standardized the marketplace is, IBM can redefine it.
*
At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find
at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
*
After months of training and you finally understand all of a program's
commands, a revised version of the program arrives with an all-new
command structure.
*
After designing a useful routine that gets around a familiar bug in the
system, the system is revised, the bug is taken away, and you're left with
a useless routine.
Blessed is he end user who expects nothing, for he/she will not be
disappointed.
Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid embarrassment of estimating
the corresponding costs.
*
A carelessly planned project takes three times longer to complete than
expected; a carefully planned project takes only twice as long.
*
Project teams detest progress reporting, because it so vividly manifests
their lack of progress.
*
If it looks easy, it's tough. if it looks tough, it's damn near impossible.
*
Adding manpower to a late project makes it later.
*
The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the
deadline approaches.
*
Any suffiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
*
Inspite of all the evidence to the contrary the entire universe is composed of
two basic substances: Magic and Bullshit.
*
Corollary: There is no magic.....
*
Things get worse under pressure.
*
An ounce image is worth a pound of performance.
*
To estimate the time it takes to do a task: estimate the time you think it
should take, multiply by two and change the unit of measure to the next
highest unit. thus, we allocate two days for a one hour task.
*
When elderly and distinguished scientists denounce a new idea, it will turn
out to be right.
*
When the elderly and distinguished scientists rally round the idea, and
proclaim it as a major scientific breakthrough, it will turn out to be wrong
after all.
*
No major project is ever installed on time, within budjets, with the same
staff that started it. Yours will not be the first.
*
Projects progress quickly until they are 90 percent complete, then they
remain 90 precent complete forever.
*
No system is ever completely debugged. Attempts to debug a system inevitabily
introduce new bugs that are even harder to find.
*
THE SIX PHASES OF A PROJECT
*
1. Enthusiasm.
2. Disillusionment.
3. Panic.
4. Search for the guilty.
5. Punishment of the innocent.
6. Praise and honours for the non-participants.
*
When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
*
Experience is directly proportional to the quantity of equipment ruined
or destroyed.
*
Past experience is always true, never be mislaid by present facts.
*
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
*
Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.
Teamwork is essential; it allows you to blame someone else.
*
A record of data is essential; it indicates you have been doing something.
*
No matter what result is anticipated, someone will always fit facts to it.
*
No matter what happens, there is always someone who believes it happened
according to his pet theory.
*
That quantity which when added to, subtracted from, divided into or
multiplied by the result obtained experimentally will give the correct
result, is known as a Constant.
*
Experiments must be reproducible; they should all fail in the same way.
*
If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
*
An experiment may be considered successful if no more than half of the data
must be discarded to obtain agreement with your pet theory.
*
For neatness, always draw the curves first, and afterwards plot the data.
*
No experiment can be considered a failure; it can always be used as a
bad example.
*
When all else fails, read the instructions.
*
Judgement comes from experience; experience comes from poor judgement.
*
An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to
the grand fallacy.
*
The accessibility during recovery, of a part which falls from the work
bench varies directly with the size of the part, and inversely with the
importance of the work underway.
*
1. If the work has to be finished today, the part will roll to the most
inaccessible part of the room.
2. If it is heavy, it will hit your toe first.
3. You will then find the part by standing on it and destroying it.
4. If the lost part is be the last one then it will be 6 o'clock and the
shops are shut til Monday.
*
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
*
By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
*
Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you
just how busy they are.
*
If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part
of the problem.
*
If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods.
*
One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do
and always a clever thing to say.
*
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
*
The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least
until we've finished building it.
*
Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
*
Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to make
it complex and wonderful.
*
It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about
the problem.
*
It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
*
If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything.
*
Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
*
Real computer scientists don't comment their code.
The identifiers are so long they can't afford the disk space.
*
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many different ones
to choose from.
*
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
*
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
*
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
It works better if you plug it in.
*
That's not a bug, it's a feature!
*
When investigating the unknown you do not know what you will find.
*
The five rules of Socialism:
1. Don't think
2. If you do think, don't speak
3. If you think and speak, don't write
4. If you think, speak and write, don't sign
5. If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised
Pity the poor egg: it only gets laid once
*
I figure I'm pretty good with the bullshit but I love listening to an
expert. Keep talking.
Money can't buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours.
*
The meek shall inherit the Earth after we're done with it.
When guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.
Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive.
Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
There is intelligent life on Earth, but I'm just visiting.
Power means not having to respond.
We should forgive our enemies, but only after they've been taken
out and shot.
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got
it made.
I'm not as dumb as you look.
How can I love you if you won't lie down?
Only those who attempt the absurd can acheive the impossible.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
He who laughs last has not been told the terrible truth.
It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys.
*
Death is the greatest kick of all. That's why they save it for last.
*
I'm not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally.
*
Work fascinates me. I could sit and watch it for hours.
Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
I worship the ground that awaits you.
The future isn't what it used to be.
Love your enemies. It'll make 'em crazy.
Why be difficult when with a bit of effort you can be impossible?
Buerocrats do not change the course of the ship of state. They
merely adjust the compass.
It's better to have a gun and not need it than to need a gun and not have it.
*
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word.
Don't think of organ donations as giving up part of yourself to
keep a total stranger alive. It's really a total stranger giving
up almost all of themselves to keep part of you alive.
Kite fliers keep it up longer.
It's not that you and I are so clever, but that the others are such fools.
*
I'm not cynical. Just experienced.
I know you think you understood what I said, but what you heard
was not what I meant.
Bullshit Detector. When alarm sounds, please re-engage your brain.
The word today is Legs ... Spread the word.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
*
A king's castle is his home.
*
A penny saved is ridiculous.
*
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
*
Ambition a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
*
Anarchy is better that no government at all.
*
Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
*
As you read the scroll, it vanishes...
*
Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue.
*
Brain -- the apparatus with which we think that we think.
*
BATCH - A group, kinda like a herd.
*
Computer hackers do it all night long.
*
Computer modelers simulate it first.
*
Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit.
*
Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
*
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
*
Courage is your greatest present need.
*
CLEARASOL - Effective sunspot remover.
*
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
*
Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'.
*
Do something unusual today. Accomplish work on the computer.
*
Documentation is like sex: When it's good, it's fantastic, when
it's bad...
*
Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
*
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
*
Drive defensively -- buy a tank.
*
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail friends.
*
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
*
Familiarity breeds children.
*
God didn't create the world in 7 days. He pulled an all-nighter on the 6th.
*
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
*
He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
*
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
*
Help support helpless victims of computer error.
*
Herblock's Law: if it is good, they will stop making it.
*
I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
*
If you don't change your direction, you may end up where you were headed.
*
If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
*
In the field of observation, chance favors only the prepared minds.
*
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
*
Jury -- Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
*
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
*
Life is what happens to you while you are planning to do something else.
*
Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
*
Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
*
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
*
Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
*
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
*
QUARKBAR - the candy with flavour and charm.
*
QUASIMOTO - 4 wheeled hard-top moped made in France.
*
Reality's the only obstacle to happiness.
*
Screw up your life, you've screwed everything else up.
*
Some grow with responsibility, others just swell.
*
SYSTEM GOING DOWN AT 4:45 THIS AFTERNOON FOR DISK CRASHING.
*
BROADCAST MESSAGE AT 4:45pm
Brain going down...
IMMEDIATELY.
*
The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
*
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
*
The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.
*
The road to to success is always under construction.
*
Those who can't write, write help files.
*
To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
*
Today is the last day of your life so far.
*
TRAPEZOID - A device for catching zoids.
*
Wasting time is an important part of life.
*
I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.
*
Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.
*
The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.
*
Before the game our dressing room was like Dunkirk before they went over
the trenches.
*
They (local authorities) are caught between the deep blue sea of the rates
and the frying-pan of the Poll Tax.
*
I was 18 about six years ago - I'm 28 now.
*
And now here's Father Raymond Brennan - a priest who has been literally
a father to hundreds of children.
*
England have just scored their second goal from a penalty corner. This will
add to their first goal.
*
And Clive Norling, running backwards, just like a football referee, looking
forwards to make sure nothing untoward was happening behind him.
*
I'm a forgotten man in his (Bobby Robson's) mind.
*
After this fight he (Kirkland Lang) can look himself in the face.
*
As long as the ball stays out of play, it's just eating into
Manchester United's hands.
*
Although he isn't as good as he was two years ago, now he's even better!
*
We don't condone the looting and violence. But the police used a water
cannon to put out a lighted match and inflamed the situation.
*
You know what they say - don't get mad, get angry...
*
Football today would certainly not to be the same if it had never existed.
*
Those are the sort of doors that get opened if you don't close them.
*
It was so tangible I could almost reach out and touch it.
*
The problem with Ireland is that it's a country full of genius, but with
absolutely no talent.
*
German is the most extravagantly ugly language - it sounds like someone using
a sick bag on a 747.
*
France is a country where the money falls apart and you can't tear the
toilet paper.
*
From Hamlet to Kierkegaard, the word "Danish" has been synonymous with
fun, fun, fun.
*
It is not impossible to govern the Italians, it is merely useless.
*
Spain - a country that has sold its soul for cement and petrol and can only
be saved by a series of earthquakes.
*
If there is no Portuguese word for blarney, there should be.
*
The Greeks - impoverished descendants of a bunch of la-de-da fruit salads
who invented democracy and then forgot how to use it while walking around
dressed up like girls.
*
A Belgian is a hell living on Earth.
*
Continental people have sex lives - the English have hot-water bottles.
*
He is without a doubt the greatest sweeper in the world. I'd say,
at a guess.
*
Haji has been probably the best player on the field without any question.
*
The ball sounds hollow to me.
*
Czechoslovakia ahead a goal to nil - that's a win if it stays that way.
*
A semi-final is, as we all know, a semi-final - it's the old cliche.
*
There's no such thing as an easier route, but it's an easier route.
*
And they've visibly grown in stature - even the 5ft 6in Ramirez.
*
He (Van Basten) was lucky to not avoid getting sent off.
*
At 34 nobody will feel the heat more than him.
*
All the argentinians swarmed around him - most of all Maradona.
*
Because there is such a big difference in times, the matches will be
recorded and shown either before or afterwards.
*
Brain Moore: "...the whistle's gone, Ray Houghton clearly 4 or 5 yards offside"
Ron Atkinson:"Yes, but for me that's when Houghton is at his most dangerous."
*
There are two ways of getting the ball - one way is from your own players,
and that's the only way.
*
That ball was glued to his right foot, all the way to the back of the net.
*
This night of disappointment has been brought to you by ITV and
National Power.
*
Gerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his
helmet off.
*
Washington could not tell a lie; Nixon could not tell the truth;
Reagan could not tell the difference.
*
I would not want Jimmy Carter and his men put in charge of snake control
in Ireland.
*
Lyndon Johnson's strategy is too slick to talk about and so subtle that
only a few fellow con men appreciate it.
*
Do you realise the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing
between Richard Nixon anf the White House.
*
If I talk over people's heads, Ike must talk under their feet.
*
How can they tell?
*
We've got the kind of president who thinks arms control means some kind
of deodorant.
*
Gerald Ford was unknown throughout America.
Now he's unknown throughout the world.
*
He told us he was going to take crime out of the streets. He did.
He took it into the damn White House.
*
Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
*
Marry me, Emily, and I'll never look at any other horse.
*
Oh, Jerry, don't let's ask for the moon, we have the stars.
*
I now pronounce you men and wives.
*
He didn't drop the bat. It fell out of his hand.
*
Mansell, Senna, Prost. Put them in any order and you end up with the
same three drivers.
*
Top scorer so far is Watkinson with his 50 or Atherton with his 40.
*
In many ways this is Allan Lamb.
*
That's another nail in what looks like being a very good score.
*
'Handipaks' of screws always contain too few or too many for the job.
*
Paint never looks the same on the wall as it does on the colour chart.
*
Wallpaper is an animate object.
*
If you have the right-sized washer, you have the wrong-sized spanner to
unscrew the tap, and visa versa.
*
Swearing increases in inverse proportion to the amount of work completed.
*
All jobs require at least one extra visit to the DIY centre.
*
Few people ever fully recover from sanding wooden floors.
*
There is no job so small that it can't be made longer by listening
to advice.
*
'Like putty in your hands' takes on a new and depressing meaning.
*
The only easy part of wallpapering is lining draws with the roll which
is always left over.
*
Money wont but you happiness, but it will pay the salary of a large
research staff to study the problem.
*
If Michael and Carol haven't got it, it must be pretty difficult, so if
you haven't got it at home, well done.
*
I ran into Billy Idol at a soiree this morning.
*
The temperature has shot up a little bit.
*
... and Dickie Bird standing there with his neck between his shoulders.
*
And the gap, which was just under five seconds, is now just over four.
*
Why is there always one teaspoon left in the bowl after you've done the
washing-up?
*
Why does grass smell only when you mow it?
*
Why is there always a coffee stain on page 63 of your library book?
*
Why can you never buy a bottle of shampoo without 25 percent extra in it?
*
Why is there no heating outside, where it's really cold?
*
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
*
Why did Shakespeare use so many famous quotations in his work?
*
Why does a ringing telephone take precedence over everything else in the
known universe?
*
Why do floorboards creak only after midnight?
*
Why do butterflies lives for such a short time, when eating cabbage is
supposed to be so healthy?
*
The big difference between UNIX and VMS:
To do anything on UNIX, you need to know an obscure command.
To do anything on VMS, you need to know an obscure option to SET.
*
Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is IN the
pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is
right here.
*
God is real unless decared integer.
*
What urge will save us now that sex won't.
*
File names are infinite in length where infinity is set to 255 characters.
*
Speaking on the fans of "The Simpsons":
I have this comic strip calles 'Life In Hell', which runs in 200 newspapers,
and I get alot of fan mail from generally articulate, literate people.
And now I walk down the street and I see people wearing Simpsons T shirts
who I'm afraid might beat me up, so the quality of fans has broadened.
The people who are my fans now frighten me.
*
This is a one line proof...if we start sufficiently far to the left.
*
I don't practice what I preach, because I'm not the kind of person I'm
preaching to.
*
The documentation for this program is obvious, therefore it is left as an
exercise for the grader.
*
COBOL is not dead, it just smells that way.
*
Hmmm... Equality is bad for the country? Well, at least we know where you
stand now. I also remember a lot of your ilk saying things about how the
ERA was going to require unisex bathrooms. Equality is not the same as
identical. If you can't get that straight, you're going to have a lot of
trouble programming in C.
*
In Communism's central planning, citizens are told "You will make widgets".
In Capitalism's advertising, citizens are told "You will buy widgets".
*
UNIX: It's a nice place to live, but you wouldn't want to visit there.
*
A project can not be considered complete until the total height of the
viewgraphs produced exceeds the height of the shortest PI.
*
It's not that simple, no matter how you wish it so. You made public
statements from a position of false authority; now you're having them
shoved down your throat. Welcome to netnews.
*
"Here's on for you. What's an 8 letter word for 'Love?'"
"Moisture"
*
"Never know on Death's door. Ring the bell and run away. Death really
hates that"
*
Courage is the willingness of a person to stand up for his beliefs in the
face of great odds. Chutzpah is doing the same thing wearing a Mickey
Mouse hat.
*
Real programmers are a figment of the imagination.
*
Real programmers detest candy-ass architects. Candy-ass architects won't
allow Execute instructions to address another execute. Real programmers
despise petty restrictions.
*
Real programmers disdain structures programming. Structures programming
is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet trained. They
wear neckties and carefully line up sharp pencils on an otherwise clean
desk.
*
Real programmers don't believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules.
Managers firm up schedules. Frightened coders strive to meet schedules.
Real programmers ignore schedules.
*
Real programmers don't bring paper bag lunches. If the vending machine
sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they don't
eat it. Vending machines don't sell quiche.
*
Real programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it
should be hard to understand.
*
Real programmers don't document. Documentation is for simps who can't
read the listings oof the object deck.
*
Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Cavemen drew flowcharts,
and look how much good it did them.
*
Real programmers don't drive cars, or any other complicated mechanical
contrivance. Walking or bicycling are okay. If a real programmer's
bicycle breaks down he has a technicial fix it.
*
Real programmers don't write applications programs, they program right
down to the BARE METAL. Applications programming is for feebs who can't
do systems programming.
*
Real programmers don't write in APL, unless the whole program can be
written in one line.
*
Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually no programmers write in
BASIC after the age of twelve.
*
Real programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy applications
programmers.
*
Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress
freaks and crystallography weenies.
*
Real programmers don't write in LISP. Only dweeb programs contain more
parentheses than actual code.
*
real programmers don't write in PASCAL, or BLISS, or ADA, or any of these
pinky computer science languages. Strong typing is for people with weak
memories.
*
Real programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for gutless people who
can't decide whether they want COBOL or FORTRAN.
*
Real programmers don't write specs - users should consider themselves
lucky to get any programs at all, and take what they get.
*
Real programmers have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil.
They exist only to deal with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior
planners, and other mental defectives.
*
Real programmers like vending machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the
microwave oven. Real programmers use the heat from the CPU. They can
tell which jobs are running from the rate of popping.
*
Real programmers never grow old. They suffer from burnouts, monumental
crashes, or bugs in their DNA.
*
Real programmers scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point was
invented for pansy bed-wetters who are unable to think big.
*
The Algol compiler used at Case Institute of Technology, after finding
25 errors in the source (eg. like you spelt BEGIN as BEGNI), would print
"At this point, we suggest you try re-reading the manual."
*
Programming by Monte Carlo methods is frowned upon.
*
Installing unix fixes the [VMS] bug.
*
If we can't fix it, it isn't broken.
*
Never test for a bug you don't know how to fix.
*
A feature is a bug with seniority.
*
The proper basis for marriage is a mutual misunderstanding.
*
There's nothing in the world like the devotion of a married women;
it's the thing no married man knows anything about.
*
Modern women understand everything except their husbands.
*
Men marry because they are tired, women because they are curious;
both are disappointed.
*
1. Next door's firework display is always better.
*
2. The catherine wheel if guaranteed to fly off the tree.
3. If it doesn't, it spins once and then gets stuck.
*
4. The firework you save till the end is a big disappointment.
*
5. The fire fizzles out before you've had time to serve the
baked potatoes.
*
6. The milk bottle falls over just as the biggest rocket is about
to take off.
*
7. Boys want to light bangers, but end up holding sparklers.
*
8. Someone loses a filling in a toffee apple.
*
9. Your lawn is never the same again.
*
10. Everyone agrees it was a total waste of money.
*
Ayatollah Khomeini will one day be viewed as some kind of a saint.
*
In all likelihood, world inflation is over.
*
Read my lips - no new taxes.
*
No woman in my time will be Prime Minister or Foreign Secretary, not the
top jobs - anyway, I wouldn't want to be Prime Minister.
*
Iran is an island of stability in one of the most volatile parts of
the world.
*
Anyone who looks for a source of power in the transformation of the atom
is talking moonshine.
*
Let us begin by commiting ourselves to the truth, to see it like it is and
to tell it like it is, to find the truth, to speak the truth and to live
with the truth.
*
This picture is going to be one of the biggest white elephants of all time.
*
We believe that a centre party would have no roots, no principles,
no philosophy and no values.
*
Before losing a Test series 3-0 to the West indies:
We will make them grovel.
*
You've got to be cruel to be cruel.
*
She looked like her face was set on fire, and put out with a cricket bat.
*
It's a good job I'm not colour blind because both teams are playing in
black and white.
*
Your ambition, is that right - to abseil across the Channel?
*
We've got some good players and so have they - that's the difference.
*
It was a game of three halves.
*
There's one that hasn't been cancelled because of the Arctic conditions
- it's been cancelled because of a frozen pitch.
*
The length of the war depends on how long it might be.
*
Saddam Hussein may still have Scud missiles up his sleeve.
That could be his last throw of the dice further down the road.
*
It was unexpexted because it happened at a time when we didn't
think it would.
*
This is an unprecedented incident but we do know it has happened before.
*
Simon Bates: So what do you do?
Soldier: I'm an electrician.
Simon Bates: So what's that in layman's terms?
*
And today will go down in history as January 17 1991.
*
On Iraqi offer to withdraw:
A bogus sham!
*
The pilots described it as a turkey shoot because the Iraqis
were sitting ducks.
*
I'm not saying that the Ministry of Defence in London does not have the
whole picture of what is going on, but they only have a partial one.
*
This is not a news blackout, I just can't tell you anything.
*
That was a strategic target, which I prefer to call a strategic target.
*
We seem to have unleashed a hornets nest.
*
The other car collided with mine, without giving warning of it's intentions.
*
I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my hand
through it.
*
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
*
A truck backed through my windscreen into my wife's face.
*
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
*
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
*
I was on my way to the doctors with rear end trouble, when my universal
joinys gave way, causing me to have an accident.
*
As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared to stop
in time to avoid the accident.
*
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
*
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
*
An invisible car came out of nowhere, stuck my car and vanished.
*
I was sure the old fellow would not make it to the other side of the
street when I struck him.
*
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a
ditch by some stray cows.
*
The telephone pole was approaching fast, I attempted to swerve out of
it's way, when it struck the front of my car.
*
I hit a bus stop sign which was obscured by people.
*
The gentleman behing me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest
in the bush with just his rear end showing.
*
When I saw that I could not avoid collision, I stepped on the accelerator
and subsequently crashed into the other car.
*
The accident happened when the right front door of a car came around the
corner without giving any signal.
*
The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid
by steering it into the other vehicle.
*
I had been learning to drive with power steering, I turned the wheel to
what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going
in the opposite direction.
*
King's Cross is an area where terrible things happen to people,
to buildings, to cars, to trains, usually while you wait,
and if you weren't careful you could easily end up involved in a
challenging dialogue yourself.
*
About King's Cross Station:
You could have a cheap car radio fitted while you waited, and if you turned
your back for a couple of minutes, it would be removed while you waited
as well.
*
Other things you could have removed while you waited were your wallet,
your stomach lining, your mind and your will to live. The muggers and
pushers and pimps and hamburger salesmen, in no particular order, could
arrange these things for you.
*
Davies: And what do you do for a living?
Listener: I'm a freelance writer.
Davies: Really? Who do you work for?
Listener: Er... Myself.
*
I like dolphins. If dolphins were human, I'd be a dolphin.
*
It's as if there's a laser beam in his chest attracting the ball.
*
Some songs were released one year and in the charts the next,
and visa versa.
*
...and tonight we have the added ingredient of Kenny Dalglish
not being here.
*
Marraige is a good deal like taking a hot bath -
not so hot once you get used to it.
*
When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men
for the attention of one.
*
All marriages are happy - it's the living together afterwards
that causes all the trouble.
*
Marriage is a triumph of habit over hate.
*
The most labour-saving device today is still a husband with money.
*
Marriage is a lot like the army -
everyone complains but you'd be surprised
by the large number that re-enlist.
*
Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.
*
Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of
beer to his taste, he should at once throw up his job and go to work
in the brewery.
*
Marriage demands the greatest understanding of the art of insincerity
possible between two human beings.
*
And 1st division Luton have haunted themselves with their own play.
*
They've pinpointed a date for the concert
-- it's something between June and September.
*
We're both agreed - we'll do the programme from Bogota, Columbia,
when New Kids are on the Block there...
*
And again the game's turned round on it's head.
*
So nip up to the loft and check out your old singles to see if
there are any that were played a lot on the radio, but you never
got around to buying.
*
A scrum to Ireland, who have their tails up right under the Welsh crossbar.
*
If Everton were playing down at the bottom of my garden,
I'd draw the curtains.
*
About Martina Navratilova:
It's hard playing against a man.
*
On Leighton James:
You're very deceptive, son, you're even slower than you look.
*
Ted Dexter is to journalism what Danny La Rue is to rugby league.
*
Frazier is so ugly he should donate his face to the US Bureau of Wildlife.
*
The only time our girls looked good at the Munich Olympics was in the
village discotheque between 9 and 11 every night.
*
He had done as much for the image of our sport as Cyril Smith would
for handgliding.
*
Billie-Jean King's father put her into tennis to stop her
being a women wrestler.
*
I thought he was one of the human race - but he is not.
*
I've seen him shadow boxing and the shadow won.
*
1. At least five buses go by in the opposite direction before
yours arrives.
*
2. The one day you have the exact fare is the day it goes up.
*
3. If you hail a taxi, your bus trundles into view just as you get in.
*
4. If you're at the front of the queue, the driver comes to a halt
at the back.
*
5. The more crowded the bus, the more likely you'll be carrying
a newly bought duvet.
*
6. The stationary bus you've run for won't move for 15 minutes.
*
7. Buses turn up within seconds of your lighting a cigarette.
*
8. It's still a mystery why three turn up at once.
*
9. Nobody ever gives up their seat for you.
*
10.If you start to walk, a bus appears when you are exactly
halfway between stops.
*
Two of the worst things we teach our children are that a knowledge
of science is nice but not necessary, and a knowledge of sex is
necessary but not nice.
*
No one gossips about other people's secret virtues.
*
A gossip is a person with a keen sense of humour.
*
Hating anything in the way of ill-natured gossip ourselves,
we are always grateful to those who do it for us and do it well.
*
A good gossip is a wonderful tonic.
*
She always tells stories in the present vindictive.
From the
JOKIN' AROUND DISK
by
LEEJAN ENTERPRISES
P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley.
South Australia. 5159.